Fuck the POLICE

After making a small purchase at Home Depot in Dearborn Heights I crossed Michigan Avenue and headed westbound towards my home. Officer cocksucker pulled me over for crossing Michigan Avenue where I did. Apparently there is a sign on the median that says you cannot drive straight across to get in to the turn lane.
Are you familiar with this area? Do you think that there are more important/dangerous crimes committed? Ya THINK?
Fine though. I didn't see the sign. Thanks for the warning, but nooo.. the FINE WAS $100.00. One hundred fucking dollars. One hundred CHRISTMAS dollars. One hundred PAY A BILL dollars. I work full time and have to live in this shitty neighborhood and just cancelled my home phone and security monitoring because I do what I have to do and that cop just forced me to pay ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for crossing the crime ridden street at the wrong spot.
I am sick to my stomach about this and can't sleep so here I am purging.
That cop should be ashamed of himself. They should all be ashamed of themselves. He turned right around and headed back to his spot to catch another poor local crossing the street on the wrong day. Fuck the cops. Shaaaaaame on you. I hope you are alone and miserable and get syphilis from one of the whores you pick up 50 feet from where you pulled me over you piece of shit excuse for someone who is supposed to be protecting me. All you did today was make a killing off of nice people to make a buck. There's no money in fighting crime, is there, so you just take it from the citizens you are supposed to be looking out for. Happy fucking holidays to you bastard. I hate you and I hate this neighborhood.

"Protect and Serve" - HA! How was I protected or served today? The police are corrupt.


CORRUPTION:

1 a: impairment of integrity, virtue, or moral principle : depravity b: decay , decomposition c: inducement to wrong by improper or unlawful means (as bribery) d: a departure from the original or from what is pure or correct2archaic : an agency or influence that corrupts3chiefly dialect : pus

Virgins

Poor kid. Poor fucked up kid. I like how "sports nuts" are going to be judged by his god along withe "racists" and "mormons". There's a couple I can't read and it's driving me nuts. Top right - what kind of women? Oh, and watch out Cassie - you're on that list at least once!!!
Edit: rebellious women. Poor kid. How about F se religions?

Holiday Fun

Mom is ready to start putting up Christmas decorations. I think we should follow tradition and not start until Thanksgiving is over.

I can understand wanting to begin now though. It is a festive time of year, when everything sparkles. It makes the freezing air and sticky snow acceptable instead of miserable. If I had a bigger house I might be more excited, but seriously - where are we going to fit ONE MORE THING??

A friend is a real estate agent. She says people are just buying houses for nothing and abandoning their current house. My credit is awesome. How big of a hit would I take? Should I feel bad about even thinking about it? I don't think I would feel bad at all. I didn't get myself in this mess. All I did was buy a house because it was a "sure way" to make money. Now I owe more than it's worth and could get a MUCH better house in a MUCH better neighborhood for LESS THAN HALF of what I owe on my house. ReFUCKINGdiculous. My friend just sold a $160k house for $30k in a good neighborhood! What am I waiting for? I can buy a house now then it won't matter about my credit. Plus like I said my credit is awesome, so even if I lost 100 pts, it would still be pretty good.

I really think I might contact her. She says she's got 6 pages of good houses she could show me today. Could I get a loan? Only one way to find out. My house sucks.

Her suffering is over

Last night, this morning actually, when I got back in to bed around 5:30 I again began to think about gramma and my visit yesterday. I thought she could be taking her last breath now. I thought thank you for not scarring my birthday :). I thought, while I cried in bed, that if there is an afterlife and you can to please watch over my babies. I thought maybe she died and I was talking to her. She died some time this morning.

I am home today. I will be hormonally crying all day, so I would not get much done at work. I am going to pull out her old albums that I inherited many years ago and scan some pictures for the service.

no title

I got just back from visiting gramma. Her eyes were open and she was awake. I leaned over and said hi, gramma it's Kim. She can't see, and you still have to yell even though she has hearing aids. She didn't react, and I realized her hearing aid was missing. The poor woman is in darkness and deafness but can still feel like shit. I counldn't help but cry. Couldn't she still hear me and know that I was there holding her had and maybe draw some comfort? Did they think it was too much trouble to keep her hearing aids in? I called mom and she said she didn't know what was going on, but since she's usually out of it, why bother? I found it in a box, broken. I was going to put it in while I was there. She was awake and when I stroked her forehead she tried to look and tried to talk. I wanted to talk to her, and she was awake, but couldn't hear me. I checked her other ear and the hearing aid was in and I told her it was me and she tried to talk and all I could do was hold her hand and cry. I wish I knew what she was trying to say.

Insomnia!

I am sleepy in the morning, I am sleepy at work, I am sleepy in the evening with Sadie, and I am sleepy until I go to bed, around 10:30-11:00 pm. Lately, I am not so sleepy after after a few hours of sleep. I am wiiiiide awake! I hope this passes soon, but I fear that I'm in it for the long haul. It would be ok, if I didn't live with a house of people who would be pissed if I started vacuuming at 4 am. Oh well. As long as there's Little House On the Prairie on TV I'm good.

That's all I have to say about that

I have always approved the use of pot for medical reasons, but now it's personal. Gramma has cancer all through her body. For some reason this has not pained her as much as expected, but she has lost her appetite. Lack of food is not going to kill her, but it's going to make dying that much more miserable and eventually they'll put her on a feeding tube. Some THC is what she needs. If this proposal is passed it will be too late for her, but will help others. Maybe one of us one day.

If anyone can hook me up or comes across a special brownie let me know. I am past broke right now but I will get you back someday.

Here is what you will see on your ballot:

PROPOSAL 08-1 A LEGISLATIVE INITIATIVE TO PERMIT THE USE AND CULTIVATION OF MARIJUANA FOR SPECIFIED MEDICAL CONDITIONS

The proposed law would:

· Permit physician approved use of marijuana by registered patients with debilitating medical conditions including cancer, glaucoma, HIV, AIDS, hepatitis C, MS and other conditions as may be approved by the Department of Community Health.

· Permit registered individuals to grow limited amounts of marijuana for qualifying patients in an enclosed, locked facility.

· Require Department of Community Health to establish an identification card system for patients qualified to use marijuana and individuals qualified to grow marijuana.

· Permit registered and unregistered patients and primary caregivers to assert medical reasons for using marijuana as a defense to any prosecution involving marijuana.

Should this proposal be adopted? PLEASE VOTE YES - THIS IS A NO BRAINER

The waiting is the hardest part

I'm not exactly sure what to do now. Gramma has cancer all through her. I remember it was liver, kidney, blood, bone, stomach and I forget the rest or if there was more. The Dr. says she has a couple weeks maybe. So, what now?

I've never lost someone this close to me. I think my mom and uncles will handle arrangements. The only thing I can think to do is visit her. I plan to visit her for some time each day during work hours. She's just a couple miles away. But What if she's out of it? She was pretty spacey in the hospital and she will be doped up now, so... what am I supposed to do there? Sit with her dying body?

Gramma's death has been one of those things that I have thought about many times over the years. It was the only thought that could bring me to tears instantly - until I had a daughter.

I'm not exactly sure what losing her will mean to my life, or what the big deal is. She doesn't have a profound effect on my life. She has lived in a nursing home for a few years now. I visit when I can/want to, maybe once every week or two with Sadie. I think maybe why losing her is so hard is that she has always been there. Wherever she was was my home. I moved a million times, but the feeling of home was always with her. I lived in Florida during high school, but always came home to stay with her in Michigan.

On the upside my mother is turning in to her (hehe sorry ma), so she won't be entirely gone.

Gramma

My gramma had a strong hand in raising me. She was often my guardian and always a mom. She took care of me the best her twisted mind could manage and I always felt that wherever she was was home. She could also drive my nuts. She created my buttons and I swear she enjoyed pushing them!

I visited my gramma in the hospital today. She'll be 90 on March 30th. Well, I kinda doubt she will make it to her next birthday. This is not the first time I have thought that, along with the rest of the family, but this is the first time I hope she will not make it.

I love my gramma and hope that her miserable life will end soon. Part of me wants her to stick around - blind, deaf, pained, crippled, incontinent... miserable, just so I don't have to deal with losing her. That selfish part of me no longer has a loud voice.

I don't know what's wrong with her this time. Maybe a stroke, maybe internal bleeding. She had a couple moments of clarity today, but mostly she was saying a few odd words and then trailing off. She was thirsty and in pain and I took care of that. My uncle showed up about an hour after I got there and I left him to watch her for a while.

I will leave work a little early today, grab Sadie, and take her in so Gramma can see her. She was asking for her.

Update: She is still fucking with me. Looks like cancer and this is it. She just had to go and do it when I was PMSing. I'm a mess.

Okay, I was kidding, but...

Following is a small clip from an an ebay style site that sells fetish stuff - including dirty panties. I have dirty panties. I'll even wear them 2 days in a row for $100.00. I wonder why some are going for over $100 and some are only $5. My panties cost more than $5, but I'd probably buy some size 5's and use them as a mini pad for a day or 2. Did I just say that??


Bikini Style (57)
Fullback Style (92)
Thong Style (94)
Brief Style (14)
General Styles (57)


Title
Bids
High Bid
Time Left

My Silky White Wet CUM School Girl Panties! I need a spank!
11
$46.00
2 Hrs 31 Min+

HOT 23 Year Old REDHEAD DRIPPING WET SILK Panties-1st Time!
4
$35.00
7 Hrs 8 Min+

Keri's well-worn silky black full backs...yum yum!!!
14
$34.69
8 Hrs 36 Min+

SEXY White Cotton Thong Real Pussy Juice Woman 48 Hrs Cum
1
$5.00
9 Hrs 18 Min+

My little virgin pussy soaked my red thong!
0
$15.00
9 Hrs 36 Min+

Miss Candy's Florida Goodies! Yay 2 for 1 =)
30
$126.00
10 Hrs 2 Min+

Amusing

I'd like to see someone do this that didn't annoy me. That guy is a douche.

Stress

Holy crap this is a big whoppin stress attack! I can only assume that PMS has finally found me which is good, because I didn't keep track of my cycle and wasn't sure when to worry.
So, I fucked up Mark's car sale. I posted it on craigslist for him and the best offer he got was $250. I felt that ebay would get the car seen by more people and he could get more money. It was worth a shot and the extra trouble would be worth it. I started the bidding at $200, so at the worst he would lost $50. The car sold for 255.55, to a man in Toledo, about 40 miles away. The auction included towing to a reasonable location, since Mark has AAA.

After the auction was over I looked to see what the fee would be. It's always a percentage of the final value. EXCEPT with ebay motors. Fuckers charge $125.00, regardless of the selling price. It would have been nice to know, eh? I spoke with an ebay rep and she said we could mutually withdraw, but the guy paid via paypal already, so it's too frickin late. Now I have cost Mark $125.00, PLUS the added work involved in towing the vehicle and dealing with this guy's emails and calls. The worst part now - I just remembered, AAA asks if you have valid plates on the car. NO. Crap. Fuck. I don't have spare plates. What a mess for nothing.

There are worse things, and I know it's the PMS, but... shit.

Also, work is stressing me out. I have long days with little to do. If online classes were free I would take one.

Also, I don't do anything at home. Work, as boring as it is sucks my energy from me and I just want to chill after Sadie goes to bed.

PMS - go away now.

Edit: The buyer agreed to cancel the deal. I gave his money back and was able to withdraw the auction. I was afraid that once ebay showed the item paid it wouldn't change status once I gave the $ back. Good thing Mark couldn't find the plate I guess.

Know anyone who wants to buy a car for $250?

My Love

My daughter has a routine every night: after dinner I give her a bath, then she drinks a bottle of warm milk, and then maybe plays a little bit before she goes to bed at 7 pm. Every night part of the bedtime routine is that I hold her while standing next to the crib and I rock her while humming a hush-a-bye tune. Last night was the same as it's been for a while now, with her head on my shoulder as I hummed to her, until she lifted her head and looked into my eyes and smiled her gentle, intelligent, sweet smile. She started swaying with me and in her tiny quiet voice sang a couple a la la's and I felt so connected to her and the love I felt for her was overwhelming. I continued to sing to her and she continued to look into my eyes and smile. Then she shoved her index finger as far as it would go into her nose and made me laugh, which was good because I was getting kinda choked up. I love her so much.

Joe the Plumber - fo realz

Borrowing from Joe - No, not the plumber

Watch this:

Vas Deferens

vas deferens

imbibe

These two words keep popping up in the middle of conscious thought for NO good reason. This has been happeining since I work up this morning. I must have had some odd dreams last night.

Just thought I'd share.

Pics are in

Here are a few shots of the house I checked out the other day:

The pics are actually too flattering. The bathrooms had mold, the toilets and sinks were possily in working order, but beyond cleaning. there was one corner, in the upstairs kitchen I think, that was covered in mold. All of the windows have to be replaced. The foundation looks nasty. One of the 4 units is the size of my small kitchen. Every unit was too small and crappity. Too bad. I'll keep looking!

For something like this:

House Hunting

I don't know why I think it is a good reason. I don't even know if it's possible to get out of a house that I owe more than it's worth.
Buy a house, instead of renting an apartment they said. You will throw your money away to the landlord they said.
Buying a house is an investment that never fails they said.

I am looking at a 4 unit house going to 73k. I owe 71k on my house. God knows what it is worth. All I know is Rob and Angie's house just sold for 60k in a better city/neighborhood.
I will have to sink another 20k into this house I'm told, but then I can rent out the other 3 units and it will pay for itself.

I'm leaving in 10 minutes to see it. Wish me luck. I'll come back and update!

Week 1 done!

It's been a week since I proclaimed my diet intentions. At work I stuck with a bagel w/light cream cheese most mornings. Lunch was turkey sandwiches, with tiny pickles and fat free Pringles. Fridays is eat out day at work and I had 4 slices of pizza, which I felt pretty guilty about. I ordered just pineapple though, so the fat was reduced and the sandwiches were pretty low fat, with Franks Red Hot dumped on them to make me drink more water. I hate drinking water when I'm not thirsty. I drank a LOT of water every day, but according to one website not enough according to my weight.
Anyway, I did pretty well during the work week and by the Friday I had lost 3 lbs.
Friday night we had the lasagna I made for Marks birthday, which was also considerably healthier than I used to make it, but still pretty damned good.
The weekend I thought was going to wash out the pounds I lost during the week. I had cake Friday, and drinks at the bar and 2 slices of pizza at the after party. Saturday and Sunday I felt like I ate a lot and didn't drink that much water. I weighed** in this morning another pound lighter, so I lost 4 lbs last week. Pretty cool.

**As I was writing that I was called to a meeting where the owner told me I had to lay my assistant off - she is also my cousin and very good friend. I hate this place. At least I don't feel like eating breakfast now.

Setting goals

Oy oy oy. I gotta set some goals.

So, my goal is to lose 94 lbs by mid April.

That will bring my BMI down to just under 30%.

That is 3 lbs a week, for 32 weeks.

That is a tough goal, but shit, even if I only lose 1 lb a week I'll be down 32 lbs, and that's better than gaining.

The way I will achieve this goal:

Drink lots of water. No less than 5 16.9 oz bottles a day. This is not that hard, even though I don't like to drink when I don't feel thirsty and it makes ALL the difference.

Exercise every day is some way. I can walk if nothing else, and if the weather is inclement I can do some exercises in the house. I will print up a 30 minute routine for home. I can also take advantage of those stupid on-demand shows on cable. I will allow yoga to replace cardio exercises 2 days a week. I can't wait till snow season. Shoveling snow is my favorite workout!

Eat healthy food and severely reduce fast food intake. There just aren't many healthy options when I eat out and the portions are too big. I will buy food for the work week and I will eat it at work, no matter if the others eat out. I will ask mom to help with these goals by cooking low fat dinners, which she already does pretty well. I will allow 1-2 snacks a day, but only very low in fat and only after I drink a bottle of water.

Keep a food log, including what is eaten, when, and the calorie and fat content. I will also log my weight gain/loss.

You know, I feel like such a failure and I feel like such a fool trying AGAIN. Why even bother fooling myself that I am serious. Why write this down publicly, just to fail publicly. I don't know - for some reason I still have hope.

I has Kittens

I was getting ready to go to out last night when I heard my mom yelling from outside "Kim, come quick!". I ran outside into the rain, thinking she found a hurt raccoon in our garbage can or something, but instead saw he pulling a soaking wet kitten through the fence. The kitten immediately snuggled to mom. I heard another kitten, so I ran into the jungle of my neighbors back yard and grabbed another one. This one was also soaked and dirty - and spitting! I rubbed it's chin for a minute and it relented.

So, now we have 2 wild kittens that were in the rain with no momma in sight. Mom says maybe we should put them back. I was thinking something must have been wrong if they were out in the rain alone, so I brought them in the house. They cleaned up well and are adorable, of course. They seem to be about 4 weeks old - 5 at the most. They have some teeth and like to play. I will care for them for a couple weeks, then find good homes for them - to people who can afford to fix them.

The lady two doors down feeds the feral cats. Now, instead of couple roaming the neighborhood, like a few years ago, there's like 20. I say if you love cats and worry about their well being, fix them. She's gonna have 40 cats next year. Eventually she's gonna stop feeding them, and then there's gonna be a LOT of dead cats in this neighborhood.

I have dreams about kittens. I LOVE kittens. This is cool! I wish I could keep them.

Hurricane Ike

I am fascinated with Ike, as it rolls in to Texas. I think I am especially interested because I have some online friends who live in it's path. Christine lives 1/4 mile from the coast and another lives in or near Houston. Christine evacuated yesterday, leaving a business that opened just a couple weeks ago.

I have always gotten a kick out of the power of nature, and I don't think Ike will disappoint me. I found some webcams in Galveston that were pretty cool, but they went offline late this morning. I am frequenting www.weather.com here at work and watching the video. I love watching people try to give reports in high winds and heavy rain! I love destruction (as long as it's not my stuff)! Everything short of people getting hurt is so cool to watch! How lucky am I to live in a time where we can watch hurricanes land?

I'm going home and turning on the weather channel.

P.S. - we had a frickin plague of flying ant things in our neighborhood yesterday. the grass sparkled with their wings. WTF?

9/11

I think back to September 11th, 2001, often. Not like an obsession, but....

I don't know how it changed anyone else, but for me it made me realize that the sense of security was false and anything could happen any time. Just like the way my car accident taught me that your life can be altered in 2 seconds of shocking metal crunching, the terrorist attack taught me that it can happen here, and there's nothing I can do about it. I was in Boston that day, close to the airport. I felt very vulnerable. It could have been worse. We are lucky that our lives have gone back to normal.

Oh yeah, 9/11 also made me feel patriotism. I suddenly felt like a small part of a greater whole, The United States of America. I wanted to fly a flag, not because everyone was doing it, but because the flag meant something to me for the first time.

I don't know what I can do about those events 7 years ago, but I remember and mourn the lives lost, and the innocence lost that day. I also say thank you to the people who are keeping me as safe as they can.

Some Funny Shit Right Here

Give it a minute. It'll grow on you. Enjoy!!

Republicans

Hrm.

I watched Sarah Palin last night, and John McCain tonight. Palin is... charming, tho her voice could get on my nerves. McCain was not as good of a public speaker as Palin, but I liked what they both had to say. I appreciated the fact that McCain didn't pretend that the republicans did well these past eight years. He implied by telling us all of the things that he will not do. He led me to believe that he is a humble man, partially due to is POW days, and who doesn't respect POW's fur cryin out loud.

I watched Obama as well. I did not see his VP. He was also charming and said some things I liked.

So, are they full of shit like all of the other politicians that I have given the time to listen to, believed in them, only to be disappointed later?

Now I'll have to keep an eye out for the debates. Right now I am leaning towards McCain. I just don't want to choose wrong, you know? Does my vote count for shit? I don't really know, but I still take it seriously. Crap. I hate politics. A LOT.

Change

Well, life will be changing again. Change is usually good, as it is in this case, but I will be missing Mark. Mark is starting his school year today. He will have classes/labs 6 days a week. He will also be working, and on top of homework I will see much less of him. I am very happy! No, not because I will be sleeping alone again, but because he is doing something that will ultimately make his life better.

I have no idea if this change is going to impact our relationship while he is going to school, but I am assuming it will. I think we should get through it just fine and come early May he will have his degree and then who knows what changes will come.

Congratulations Mark - and good luck! MMMMmmmwah!

Fatties

So my drive thru idea needs a little more explanation I think.

My target group are people like me. Fat, hating it, and too lazy to do anything about it. Perfect for Michigan.

My menu structure will take the work out of eating right. The food will appeal to people who live to eat, as opposed to people in HI, who eat to live. The meals will be under a certain number of fat grams, calories and sodium. The meals will be properly proportioned. There will be a veggie category, a carb category and a protein category to choose from. There might be a dessert you can add on, that will be small and fairly healthy as well. If someone ate at my drive thru for all 3 meals they would either lose weight or maintain a healthy weight.

The menu would be simple, with maybe 4 choices in each category, plus an extra choice in each category that will change daily, so you will have variety, but can also count on having something to fall back on if you don't like the daily special.

This is my first time writing this down, so keep that in mind when reading and of course suggestions are welcome:

Group A
Veggies

Garden salad - small dressing portions
Mixed steamed veggies - lightly seasoned
Steamed broccoli - yum!

Group B
Carbs

Baked potato - small portion butter/sour cream on the side
Baked Sweet potato fries - anyone try these?
Seasonal fruit bowl - mmm... pineapple, melons, Michigan cherries...

Group C
Protein

Skinless seasoned chicken - juicy and hot
Tofu something - beats me but I need something vegetarian... oh some veggie burgers age good!
lean beef tips maybe?

So those are some ideas for the stuff that's always there. You pick A, B, and C and pay a flat rate. I was thinking 4 in each category, but I gotta get back to work. Maybe there could be something that was all 3 in 1 pot... stew. Plus don't forget the daily special food to add... maybe that's enough.

2nd Post before bed

Gad, you know this idea is exciting. It's really annoying me actually. Here is a look at the location that inspired this idea:

6778 Middlebelt Road
Garden City, MI 48135


View Larger Map

I don't know why it wont work, but if you click "view larger map" you'll see it.

The Mission Statement

Provide healthy whole food meals that are filling and flavorful.

I somehow ended up at www.sba.gov. I think it is a very helpful site. What I am going to do is play with this idea, even thought I feel foolish for wasting my time on something that could never happen. I know, it could happen. I could open up a fast food joint and revolutionize the food industry. I could single handedly remove Michigan from the top 10 list of fattest states. I would be self employed and teach Sadie the value of working hard. But I feel like I am wasting my time. I'm a bored office manager and lazy to boot. I'm also bored out of my mind with life and might just blossom doing something this cool.

I mean this is a good idea, right? I eat out many days a week, especially at lunch time when I'm working. I do not have time to cook a good breakfast and dinner lately is only healthy because I have a mother that stays at my house and cooks for Sadie and I. Every time I eat out it is a struggle to find something that I want to eat, is fast and easy to get, and is healthy.

I have many ideas for this restaurant. I have many Mission Statements running through my head. I have many names for the business, though none of them are good enough yet. I have many ideas for the food offered, the people who will eat the food, the prices of the food, the location, where the ingredients will come from.

I welcome input. The name is so important. It should convey so much in a word or two.

I plan on using the thesaurus for the following words:

good
healthy
fast
delicious
inexpensive
easy


I came up with all kinds of names Friday night in bed, while Mark was probably wishing I'd shut up and go to sleep. Neither of us have a good memory, so these are off the top of my head:

Tried and True (Healthful Meals) - I remember that one
Fit Meals
Wholesome Meals
Hearty Fare
Simply Sinless

yawn

I'm just going through these words hoping to think of something clever. I'm going to bed.

Auto Accident

I was driving down Middlebelt road dreaming about the fantastic new restaurant I could open at the old Dairy King, when the traffic came to a halt. The accident was at Joy, which is where I was turning, so I continued on, hoping the cars were still there so I could see. I always feel bad for wanting to see, but I want to see. I want to see a car reduced to a chunk of car bits. I want to see the owners of the cars standing around, unhurt, of course.

I arrived at the scene within a couple of minutes just as the wreckers were getting in to position. A sedan was pushed up under the backside of a large pick-up. There was also a minivan quite damaged on the other side of the intersection. I came up with my theory on how the accident happened, based on the damage and position of the vehicles. I guess I like to do that.

Then I found myself choking on tears. What's up with that. It happens every time I see an accident scene now that I think about it. It is very upsetting for me to actually see an accident happen.

So my theory on what is goin on in my head, because I really have no idea:


I am empathizing with the victims of the accident. It is life changing to be in an accident. I must really have been upset by my car accident back in KC. That was a very traumatic incident for me. I can't think of anything else that I can empathize so much with that it brings me to tears. Actually, I have fantasies about accidents. It often involves Sadie and I and Sadie is ok, but I am dying and yelling "is Sadie ok?". If the idea of Sadie being killed in the accident enters my brain it is automatically followed by my suicide. Sorry guys. Anyway, I guess seeing the accidents kinda takes me back to my accident. There was blood and ambulances and pain and shock. I was out of it for much of it, thought Jesse said we were talking. That accident taught me that life can be horribly altered within seconds. It taught me that it can come out of no where, and sometimes there isn't even a second to mentally prepare. That was the most disturbing to me. I didn't see it coming. It could happen again and there's noting I can do about it. Maybe seeing the accident on the way to pick up Sadie today reminded me.