Today was the big ultrasound. The baby is healthy, and looks normal, except she is in the 96th percentile. Yep - I said SHE. Sadie is going to have a little sister to push around. Sadie was also big - 10 pounds 12 ounces, a little early, and no - I didn't have gestational diabetes.
Since this one is also most likely going to be big I will opt for the repeat c-section. It was an emergency with Sadie, and while I have the option of trying for a vbac, I'm not crazy. Sadie was the talk of the birthing center when I had her. She looked like a 3 month old sumo wrestler. I forget how big her head was, but it was bigger than I want my vagina to be.
We didn't get any great pics, but here's the best of them:
I can't sleep because something is on my mind. And maybe the T3's I took are keeping me awake instead of putting me to sleep.
First of all I want to say that I don't quite understand why I care about what people think of me, yet I also don't care what people think of me. I kept going over it and over it as I lay in bed. I am confident in my self as a good person, so when people judge me negatively I say fuck them if they can't take a joke. No one is perfect and we are all a little annoying, but I'm good and if you think otherwise fuck you. But still... I want to be liked.
My boyfriends friends think I am a domineering bitch. They don't know me well and as far as I know are only basing this on the fact that he doesn't hang with them on karaoke night any more at the bar. He has class that night ever week and no, I did not help him chose his schedule. He has gone to everything he was invited to except for one party which he wasn't feeling up to.
I have never said you can't see this person, or you can't go to that party. If anything I push him to go have fun. I trust him fully. Stay the night if he wants to drink and go crazy is what I say. We used to leave the karaoke bar around 11pm, because I had to get up early the next day. He could have driven separately, but likes to go to bed with me. Sorry guy pals. On the weekends we always had to leave the partys early because he had to get up early. My friends still talk to him.
I don't want to get in depth about our relationship dynamics for the sake of his privacy. It may be obvious by now that I don't consider a whole lot of my personal life too private to share. I'll just say that we play the same roles that play out in every relationship, and it works for us for the most part.
So, I'm ok and he's ok but I still feel the need to explain myself to these people and make them realize that they have made a mistake and they should like me. It bothers me that it bothers me. And on top of that I don't know that I can like them, now that they judged me so quickly.
Ooh... I feel sick to my stomach, which isn't unusual, but but but Sadie vomited earlier tonight. She has never sicked up before, aside from spitting up as an infant. The last thing I ate was Swedish fish, so I could just need some real food. Oy.
I have an appointment tomorrow. Today. A baby appointment. Maybe if I throw up I will come out even on the scale again. Hmmm... might be worth it. Blech
I was woken up abruptly by a loud noise about an hour ago. My brain immediately dug up 20 things to stress over. Stuff like house repairs - my front steps are eroding. I can't sell the house with eroding stairs. I should not have salted the steps so heavily for the past 5 years. How does one replace concrete steps. How are they attached? Are they expensive? More important regarding repairs, I have a leak, well leaks in my basement, the worst of which is quite bad when it rains and runs in to my breaker box. Yeah.
I have reconnected with some people I met in college on facebook, and it sucks that they are still artists. Why did I even get in to it if my heart wasn't in to it. What is it that I am supposed to do? Doesn't everyone have a purpose in life? Something that makes their lives meaningful? Where's my ah-ha moment?
I settled on a packet of oatmeal. Eating when you feel sick sucks. Nothing sounds edible. And I don't even like the brown sugar flavor. I'm an apples and cinnamon girl.
SO I say it's like an apathetic panic attack because I wake up panicking about shit that I can control in my life but don't, and it's pretty bad and I can't stop it and I think maybe this is a panic attack, but there and no physical symptoms. Maybe it is still a panic attack, but I don't put a lot of heart in to much of the things I do in life, so maybe this is just my style of attack. Naw, it's just anxiety. I already feel a bit better, and have shoved back the worst of my worries for another night. Not really.
Sadie knows her colors already. Am I underestimating her? That's not normal, is it? She will be two in May. She has picked up the language beautifully. I am so proud. She is also fighting me on a lot. I am trying to keep from having a power struggle. She is showing her independence, and I am trying to ride the line between letting her become her own person and spoiling her. I think I'm doing pretty well.
I'm going to zome on the Brady Bunch for a few then try to sleep. I discovered my pelvis hurts the most after I lay down on the couch, so I can't fall asleep to the tv this pregnancy... oh my god. Little House on the Prarie is on.