Another house

So, the bosses didn't even look at the other house before there were multiple bids. I now know there is no point in looking at new houses on the market.  This one has been listed since April.  It's been vacant for god knows how long.  I see possibilities. 




over 1400 square feet which is more than I have now but more importantly - 300 ft long lot. You can't really see how big it is in the video. I think we're gonna put a low bid on the house on Monday. Like 38K. Crazy, isn't it? We can sink another 10K in renovations in it and have a great house in a good neighborhood to raise our children.  As we pulled up, a deer was leisurely walking down the road a few houses down. yay!

She's lucky she's only 2

Crackin myself up tonight

 (the experiment is over.  Family reads this and I can't very well have this titled something so amusingly wrong)


Someone from Haute-Normandie France found my blog by clicking on this picture: 


http://images.google...um=1&tbnid=jxSSBG8LU
click the link you see on the top left.



I love the site meter, even though I only check it a couple times a year.   Scooter was on a Russian blog because "naked" was in his blog title.  So here's my little experiment.  I used to get an average of 6 hits per day.  I don't feel too bad, as I rarely blog. Let's see if my traffic increases with my new blog title.

This'll make your dick soft!!! Mwwwa hahahahaha!!!

Dreaming big

We are house hunting and it is kind of exciting and also kind of stressful, and a little disappointing sometimes.  Saturday I looked at one house in a decent neighborhood.  They were asking what I pay now, but it's been on the market for a while so I figured if it was a little dumpy I could offer 1/2 and see.  It was too much of a dump to even offer 1/2!  I wish I had brought my camera - well I did but I left the stinkin card in my computer.  Anyway, it smelled awful and had birds.
My agent took me to another that just came on the market in a great neighborhood for 9k less than I pay on now.  Here are a few pics:

I don't think I'm going to find something better than that one.  What a difference from the first one I saw.  So, I was disappointed after walking the bird infested house, then I was excited to see the 2/3 acre w 1630sf house, and finally disappointed when I had to tell my realtor that this was aiming too high.  I want to take advantage of the market and get a 30k house, not a house that will run me what I'm already paying.  Then I got to thinking - I could do it.  I would be able to raise my children there.  I could let them loose in the back yard and only worry about them hurting themselves!  Now I'm stressed because I am actually considering buying this house.  I am getting assistance from the owners of the co I work for, so they have to move on it before someone else, but they said they'd look at it today.  I figure I have maybe a 10% chance of getting in to this house.  My boss will likely throw in a low offer and lose it, if he takes the time to bid at all.

I spent most of the night in a half awake state thinking about nothing but this stupid house. It's really annoying because it's not time to think about getting a riding mower, snow blower, taxes, heating cost, carpet, paint, raking all those frickin leaves, closing costs, fitting in w the upper middle class, commuting to work, daycare, where to put a hot tub, who gets which room... I could go on.  You will be seeing me write more about my house hunting woes.  It's plaguing me and I gotta vomit it out somewhere so I can relax.

It's pretty, isn't it?

Update: back to the drawing board.  2 offers in already and my boss won't jump on it.  Back to disappointed.  Really disappointed.  I don't know how to not get geeked up sometimes.  I suppose if it happens enough I'll stop etting excited.  

The house

It's 4am and my belly hurts.  I think I'm ovulating.  I'm a bit disturbed by the idea that my tubes are cut.  Where is the egg going? Is it just sitting there at the end of the tube rotting?

Here is the garage. It's solid and large.  It was a nice start to the tour.

This is the entry door on the side of the house.  The garage is on the left and the kitchen door is on the right.   This room is called "the mud room" and was also nice - roomy for a place to take your shoes off.  Here is the other side of the room:

So then to the left we enter the kitchen area:

Not too bad!   It's bigger than my kitchen and much wider.  Another cool thing is that all you do is turn around and:

Next we have the "master bedroom"

and to the upstairs, but first the bathroom:

 

This area is kinda neat:

At the top of the stair is a common area, and off of that are 2 small rooms.  One room is very small - big enough for a crib and maybe a dresser, the other  is very small as well and would fit the same.  The cool part is the common are could be a play area.  There is also a big closet up there. Here are the rooms:

 

 

  This house holds a lot of good memories for their family, but it's just not right for us.

The biggest issue is that the kids would be upstairs.  Sadie is clumsy right now and would break her neck climbing those stairs within a week.  Seriously she whacked her head at least 10 times today, and fell at least a dozen.  My mom thinks there's something wrong with her - I think she's two.  Anyway, for the next few years I would have to trek the children up and down those stairs every time they wanted a toy.  Every time a toddler had to go pee pee.  Every midnight feeding. Every nightmare.  They would not be able to just go to their room and play.   If they were 5 and 7 it would be different.

We are cramped now, and despite the fact that they say it is 1430 sq. ft., it seems smaller than what I have now at 1000 sq ft.  I need more room.  I need to be able to walk through my living room without tripping over baby gear.  I really don't think I would be happy sleeping in the living room and living in the dining room and storing my towels and toiletries in the basement.

Oh, and here is the outside. 

Do I have the balls to do it?

I went to the doctor today to follow up on the antidepressants prescribed to me 6 weeks ago.  I'm on Wellbutrin btw, and as far as antidepressants go it's pretty swell, because it doesn't have the unfortunate side effects that most antidepressants have.  I have been feeling less depressed since taking them, but not happy, so she bumped my dosage up.  That part of my day was good.  I want to be embarrassed about the fact that I take antidepressants, but whatever.  Fuck you if you judge me.  It makes me feel better.  The bad part of the day came when I checked out and they told me the visit costs $140.  I informed my Dr. that I no longer had insurance and she still billed my visit as a "level 4".  I think either she forgot, or she is not sympathetic to poverty.  She really didn't seem to get it.  I cried at check out.

So, this is what I'm talking about when I ask do I have the balls to do it:

I don't earn enough money to live comfortably.  I don't mean like live like I want to live - with money to spare, I mean like wear clothes that fit me and eat healthy food and have the heat or air conditioner on when I'm uncomfortable. Daycare costs $200 a week for 2 kids.  I have a mortgage.  I don't have insurance.  I haven't had a raise in years even though I work my ass off and even if I threaten to leave they won't give me what I need to be comfortable.

This is what I'm thinking:  Move in to Mark's mom's house.  The one that is next door to their home in Ypsilanti.  They own it and can't sell it because of the market, so it's sitting there.  We could live there, in what appears to be a bigger house, rent free and only pay bills.  And maybe their property taxes/insurance.  The neighborhood is better and I would get out from under my house which is worth 1/3 of what I owe.
I would quit my job out here, 1. because it's too far away, and 2. if my bills are reduced I will come out even when I quit paying for daycare.  I will be a stay at home mother.   also, we will be moving far (20-30 minutes) from our friends.  Also, what will my mom do?  I don't know if there would be room for her, but more importantly I'm pretty positive she doesn't want to move out there.

Mark has a chance to get a full time job at the school that he attends, for not a lot of money, but maybe enough to support us.  He would be the bread winner.  What an odd life that would be for me - someone who has always been so independent.

And you know what else?  While I am good at my job and it is a source of pride, I don't want to work anymore.  I think with the drugs helping my mood I could be a good SAHM.  I like a clean house and to organize.  I really liketo organize, but am do mentally drained from work I don't do it.  I could even see myself working on the house.  Small renovations since it looks like an older home that needs work.  I am very mechanically inclined.  And I'm also good with kids, though I think it's also very hard to take care of children all day every day.  

What am I forgetting?  Where's the flaw in this plan?  Aside from living next to Marks family (no offense).  We may not be any more financially comfortable, but I think I would be happier and I know Mark would be happier.  He could have a job that he likes, and live in a town he loves.

Is this a bad idea?  It must be.

TAG!

I found this in my drafts here on blogger.  I had to add one to the end because it was originally a preggo announcement.

A Fertile Momma tagged me, so here's the rules: It's simple. Just write six random facts about yourself. Then tag six friends. Can I tag her back? Maybe everyone could tag her back and eventually we could make her SORRY!

1. I used to clean for Kraft Foods in Florida when I was a teenager. The best thing about it was they had free samples everywhere for the taking. Or maybe it just looked like that to me.Either way there was taking involved.

2. I broke in to a neighbors house with my best friend, Shirley, when I was 5. They came home while we were looking for things to steal. We bolted after they came in and i guess they saw us, because I was subsequently grounded. I was mad because Shirley was out playing the same day. When we were older I found out she just had the shit beat out of her instead of being grounded.

3. I have had cats living with me pretty much my whole life, except for a short time when I lived with a friend who was allergic. I ended up hiding a cat in my bedroom for a month before I finally told him. I also hid a cat in my dorm room during my freshman year of college.

4. Speaking of cats - I have a whisker collection that goes back about 10 years.

5.I cannot drink until I pass out or black out.  My body refuses to let me get that drunk.  As a matter of fact I rarely get beyond a little buzzed before I start to feel ill or tired or tired and ill.

6. I used to play in the sewers under Kansas City, Missouri.  Around that time I also used to break in to abandoned buildings and dive in to the giant fountains in the Plaza for change during Rain storms.  We also used to climb the towers in the Plaza.  Being broke was never more fun than when I was young and lived in KCMO.  OH, we also used to skinny dip in a country club's pool in the middle of the night.  And sing badly and loudly on the street corners with out hands extended.  I sold my hand made jewelry with friends a couple times in Westport like a dirty hippie.

Violet has an opinion

Move along, Nothing to see here.

Except for some pictures:

She's still pretty boring, but cute.  If you are in to stickin' out monkey ears.

It appears to be a case of naughty toddler, but then you realize that gramma is holding the baby for the toddler and likely encouraging the behavior. 

She looks a lot like her daddy I think, tho people tell me she looks like me too sometimes.  Maybe she's one of those good 50/50 mixes.  Too bad she didn't get my ears.

We went to Walmart to get portraits done, because it's 8 bucks for a package.  I made an appointment for first in the morning, 10 am, so that the girls would be happy, awake, and fed.  The photographer was 45 minutes late.  A lot can happen in a little girl/baby hour.  Violet was tired and fussy and Sadie was bored and not very cooperative.  This is the best pic of the two of them we got.  It's got character anyway.

awwwww....

We couldn't get her to fold her hands in front of her, so I asked her to hide a bottle of nail polish I was bribing her with under her hands.  While taking the photos I slipped the polish in my pants and eneded up finding it later at home still in my pocket.  I shoplifted from Walmart!! 

OK, I paid extra for this one.  I don't usually.


















We are going to a viewing tomorrow.  Sarah was killed by her husband at the bar where Mark sang karaoke on Wednesdays. I have been thinking about her a lot since I heard the news.  It was a brutal way to die and she suffered.  She has a daughter and I just can't get the image of her laying there alone next to the dumpster thinking about her child as the life ran out of her.  It hurts my heart to think about.  It also makes me appreciate the relationship I am in.  I honestly don't think Mark is capable of striking me even if I was hitting him with everything I had.  I don't understand why some women stay with men that abuse them, but I hope this incident will help at least one woman realize that they should get out and get help before it's too late.

Latest Pics

We FINALLY replaced some old crappy furniture with some new much less crappy furniture.  I have been looking for a good deal on a set I liked for years.  The furniture is too big for my living room, as you can see, but dammit - I have 5 people living in my house and am happy that we can all share a room comfortably now.

As you can see Violet is also pleased with the purchase.  This fabric is much softer than the burlap we used to lay her on.

Here is Violet at work.  She joins me 3 days a week in the afternoons.  I don't get any work done and just pray the bosses don't call or come in while she's there.

I don't take pics of Violet as often as I did with Sadie, and I don't take pics of Sadie nearly as much as Violet.  There's too much LIFE going on with 2 kids.  Sadie is in big girl panties now.  I should have taken pics of the shit explosion that happened Saturday between the 2 girls.  When Mark was out.  Vi had it coming out of the top of her neck, and Sadie had it in a floor potty, the toilet, and of course needed her but wiped.  Good times!

Sadie calls Mark Daddy now almost all of the time.  It was a transition that I considered, but it's still odd to me.  I mean it's great, but I never expected Sadie to have a daddy.  I find it very endearing, and a little frightening. 

And here is the man I love, taking out the garbage.  In his bathrobe.  Wearing some (sun?) "glasses".  He has no sense of embarrassment, which is cool... but I DO!!

A few pics

Violet is getting so big! She is super chill as you can see in this photo:



I love Tom Hanks. I can't even joke about that~



I even have a dress ready should he ask me to marry him.



Brad is such a flirt. Mark who?



I love the beach, but my skin can't handle the sun anymore. I really needed a hat this day.

It's not easy maintaining this beautiful translucent skin.

Hey, nothing wrong w a little dark meat.

Mark in the tub. Or more like the toilet. Hey Mark - fiber might help.

Mark was having a grand time until riiiight after I snapped this pic.

I ran in to my old bf John. His breath reeked of sardines. I should know after making out with him for 4 hours.

Kurt - I just couldn't get over seeing him in Detroit!

My beautiful doll, Sadie

Got me some new jammies - Underroos, remember those?

I told Mark his palms weren't going to be the only body part effected if he kept it up like that.

Tom is so weird!! He insisted he get his pic taken with me. Whatevaaaa!

It was a really rainy weekend.

This creep wouldn't let me use the swing alone.

Another ex. He's a good hugger.

This dude got totally wasted in the park - he didn't even feel the bites!

I tried red. Mark likes brunette better.

I need to move

I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE SOON. With the help of my bosses, or not. I'll prob end up in an apartment if they don't help. I'm ok with that. It's better than living in the hood in a tiny little house that's not worth fixing up.

I want to live in a good neighborhood. Maybe a little back woods. It would nice to not have neighbors on top of us. Ideal location - on the water. Oh yeah baby. I would be the happiest person in the world.

I need a yard. A nice yard for my kids to play in. And a garage and a shed - lots of storage for my yard equipment and kids stuff. A pool would be nice, but the upkeep sucks - maybe one of those self inflating ones. Can I have a fenced in yard and still be on the water? It would be nice to send my kids out back and not have to be on top of them worrying about what they're touching.

I would like a sliding door at the back of the house that leads in to the fenced in yard. I might even get a dog if I had that! Oh, and a patio - partially shaded. Some place to sit in the nice weather with some friends and only have to worry about the mosquitoes. A wrap around front porch would be awesome.

Not near the frickin air port. Nor near the train tracks. I've paid my noise pollution dues.

I want a basement, and multiple floors, and central air conditioning, and energy efficient everything. I'm sick of sacrificing comfort for money and I'm still a broke ass mother. A modern kitchen would be nice with matching appliances and lots of counter space.

A place for everything. I like to have everything in it's place. I used to be organized. I don't even have enough drawer space for my clothes.

I would like a big living room. And a big bedroom. Big rooms all around! Oh god - and how about a decent sized bathroom?

I want out of this house.

Sleeeeep

Holding a sleeping baby is a stronger drug than any narcotic.









She is just so beautiful when she's sleeping!




Unfortunately, she looks like this more often than that!



Daddy has begun to swaddle her again. I forgot about swaddling, because it didn't seem necessary. Now she is colicky. Swaddling works wonders. Thank you jesus.

A few pics

Everybody needed a good laugh after watching me puke my guts out after the operation.



Sadie's first look at her sister. She loves her.


Good mommy keepin her girls happy - even Boo, the cat.


Mark is a good daddy!

Violet Grace

9 lbs 3 oz 20.5 inches.

more when I have 2 hands.

Why am I still working?

I keep hearing how the USA rocks and I believe it compared to a bunch of 3rd world countries, but right now what I know is a lot of countries would pay for their big old preggo residents to stay home during their last few weeks before delivery and then pay them to stay home for some time after they have the baby. My memory is a joke, so I cant tell you which is which, but I have a dutch friend, who told me all kinds of cool things about their maternity policies, and I've heard good things about Canada and France. I will be working until this kid busts out, and then back to work within a month. I can't afford to do anything else. I will try to bring her to work with me at first and I think my bosses will be okay with that.

Today I followed up on the kidney issue - Violet has some extra fluid on one of her kidneys, not too too much, but more than they like, so today, a month after they found that, I had another ultrasound. The fluid is still there and about the same quantity. They are still optimistic and say it will likely correct itself and for now they plan on giving her an ultrasound a week after she is born and possibly some antibiotics because she will be more prone to get a UTI. Fluid on the kidneys is a Down's Syndrome marker BTW.

They checked her size again. at 37 weeks (Friday) she should be around 6.5 lbs. She measured at 9 lbs 3 oz today. HA! I'm told she could possibly gain another 3 lbs in the next 3 weeks! HA! HA! It would be nice if my OB would cut her out a little sooner than July 7th.

Lately I've been feeling a little less annoyed. I've even been feeling pretty lucky to have Mark in my life. Not that I haven't always loved him, but damn everything was so frickin irritating for a while! He is really good to me and puts up with my shit day after day. He is a good dad to Sadie and does what he can to help me now that I am pretty much disabled.

I am looking forward to being able to be active. I wonder how I'll feel about that once my pelvis heals up. I hope I have the energy and willpower to help myself feel healthier.

I have gained 30 lbs so far - well 34 last visit but I was really swollen and I'm less so now, but okay lets say 34 lbs since I'm sure it will be up there by Friday. Anyway, That's pretty average and my OB is pleased with my weight and BP and all of that.

The Dr. at the ultrasound lab today gave me my first little lecture about eating better so the kid doesn't get bigger. She asked me if I was diabetic and I said no, my family just has big babies. She proceeded to tell me to avoid refined flour/sugar and you know, basically go on a diet for the next 3 weeks. LOL!!! What is that suppose to help? She's already big and will likely gain another 2 lbs whether I diet or not. My friend gained 70 lbs and had a 8.5 lb baby. I gained 30 (all water and baby - lost it all in 2 weeks) w Sadie and she was 10 lb 12 oz - nearly 11 lbs and a week early. If you don't want me feeding her any more cherry Slurpee's by all means cut her out today. Sadie was big all around and every part of her - head/length/weight was all around the 99th percentile. She's still in the 90's for everything, and wearing 3T clothes at 25 months - and she never drinks Slurpee's.

My thinking changed a bit yesterday. I've been thinking that this pregnancy will never end since October. Yesterday I really realized that I am at the end. Even if I have to wait another 3 weeks it's gonna be over soon and it could be over tonight for all I know. Time to pack the bag!

I can't wait to hold my baby.

Catch up time

I don't have much of interest to say, but I'll say it anyway.

I am 36 weeks pregnant this week. That's out of 40 weeks for those of you who are not familiar with the time line of making babies. My C-section was scheduled for July 3rd, which is 23 days from today. I was told last week that the date was moved up to July 7th, 3 days before the 40 week mark, because of the Independence Day holiday. Fuckers. So now I feel the need to control this pregnancy and make her come earlier. There are a lot of old wives tales...

• sex - sperm softens the cervix and fem orgasm releases some chemicals that help.
  
• driving on bumpy roads - my gramma told me that one - I said "is that what they used to call sex back in your day gramma?" She ignored me. lol
• Castor oil - my OB said this is the only remedy that he believes can work, aside from sex, but whether it works or not you're gonna shit your brains out and a most uncomfortable way. IDK if I can drink the stuff.
• Evening Primrose Oil - I've read a bit about it and a good friend said it worked for her. I have the gel caps and take one a day orally for now - I am not quite ready to have her yet. At week 38 I will insert them directly where I need them to work.
  
• Walking - I can't do this. I still need a car seat/stroller and a bassinet and can't yard sale because of the pain in my pelvis. I can't even make it around the grocery store without causing pain and misery.
• Spicy foods - dunno - something about some spices working chemically w your body, but also a couple bowls of spicy hot chili prob works like the Castor oil.

On the other hand - I should be enjoying this pregnancy. This will be the last, as I am getting my tubes tied while I'm already sliced open. 2 is plenty for someone who is almost 38. I should let her come when she is ready (or the 7th) so that I know she will be strong and healthy. I should appreciate the fact that she is healthy and stop thinking of myself and my pain - it's temporary.

I can't help but worry about her in there though. She has barely moved in the last few days and it's concerning me. She was moving so much it really hurt and now just a little bump or a couple hiccups and that's it. I listen to her heart on the doppler now just to relax for a couple hours before I start worrying again. If she was in my arms I would know she was OK. I know she has limited space and can't move as much as before, but it went from crazy movements to nothing.

I gained 30 pounds. sigh. Last time I gained 30 for the whole pregnancy, but most of it was water and it was all gone after 2 weeks. This time I'm hardly swollen. I actually look forward to being more active though. I can't even walk around the block right now. I am stuck sitting in my house while there is disorganization and things to DO all over the place. I can't stand how piled up my bedroom is. I can't stand how much CRAP is everywhere and in the strangest places. Mom works like a frickin slave around my house, thank god, but I want to do stuff myself and put stuff where it belongs, not just out of the high traffic areas.

I hate asking people to do things for me. I hate asking mom or Mark to get me something from the fridge. I used to be independent. I used to be strong. Now I am tired and weak and worry that everything I do will make the pain in my pelvis worse.

I go to physical therapy every week. It doesn't help as far as I can tell. I have seen a different therapist every visit and none of them know what to do with me. I tell them what to do now and what I won't do. They know how to help repair/strengthen the pelvis, but not on a very pregnant woman who can't lay on her back or stomach and cant lift her legs independently. One insisted I do some exercises on my back - drawing my legs up, and I bawled like a baby by the end of it because it hurt my lower back so much that I couldn't move. I told her twice it was a bad idea. That's when I decided they did NOT know best. Now I just encourage them to work on my lower back and they seem relieved to have something to do. Today I'm gonna talk them in to working on my neck - it's getting tight on one side and if it charlie horses up like it does sometimes I'll be extra miserable for a week until it relaxes.

I'm off to run a work errand and will stop across the street to let my asian friend wax my eyebrows. This is possibly the most painful thing I do to myself while pregnant. It hurts my skin so much I feel like blood should be gushing out when she's done. I could pluck, but that hurts too and takes a lot longer. I must be brave.

Oh, LET'S GO RED WINGS!!!

Miss Violet

First of all let's discuss her middle name. There have been no epiphanies, and Mark and I disagree. He would like to see Violet Marie, or Violet Louise I like Violet Skye. Look, there's a good chance she's going to be an "interesting" person - and I think the name will fit. Skye is different for me as I like more traditional names, but I just like the way it sounds. I refuse to give her a common boring name like Marie (how Spanish is that anyway?!) or Ann, or Lynn... Grace is okay. Anyone got my back here? Convince Mark for me - he thinks it sounds too "fake hippy". I feel like we both have to agree... on what I like! :P

Today I am 32 weeks, 5 days pregnant. We had an ultrasound this morning. The tech was cool, and the waiting room was empty, so we had a great session, including 3D!!!!! I always ask and they always say no. He decided to do it before I asked. Here she is:


She should weigh around 4 lbs, but was estimated to be close to 6 lbs - over the 97th percentile, just like Sadie. Sadie was 10 lbs 12 oz and even induced a little early. She is head down now, as suspected, because I swear I felt her turn this weekend. She was sideways on Sunday. Everything looked great on her, except for some minor fluid on one of her kidneys. I really don;t know what they were talking about, but I know that the average measurement is 7, she is 9 on one, but it's not a red flag until it reaches 11. They said they see it every day, and more often than not it's a non issue. We get to see out girl on June 17th to look at it again. I have had so many ultrasounds this pregnancy!

I love watching her move. Doesn't she already look like a plump perfect little baby? I swear she already looks like Sadie too. It would be nice if the girls resembled each other despite having different fathers. My 2 brothers and I all look like our 3 different fathers and that's kind of lame.

Anything else? Due date is July 10th, C-section is scheduled for July 3rd, first appointment of the day. I would love to go in to labor before that, but we'll see. Just a week before. I'm going to try the old wives tales options. Lots of sex and spicy food. I can't walk her out because my pelvis is causing me considerable pain. I am officially uncomfortable most of the time now, even when sleeping. I am actually in considerable pain when I move my pelvis, as it is too loose and grinds on itself. Mark pushed me to my appt. in a wheel chair this morning. There is no way I could have walked the mile to the U/S place from the parking garage. I can't handle grocery shopping anymore. I got a temporary handicap permit for my car and I'll be damned if I can ever find an open handicapped spot! How did it happen? Seems like I used to see tons open and I would think what a waste of space - when are there going to be 30 people in wheelchairs in Target at the same time?? Fooled me.

Time for me to wish I could nap at work.

another pity party

I don't really want to talk to anyone about my mood. I don't know how much of my emotions are effected by hormones and how much of my life is making me just this miserable. Did I mention I needed a vacation??

Sadie does not like her newest daycare teacher. For the first time in over a year I saw her at the door crying - anguished - pulling away from the teacher and crying mommy mommy mommy...
I sat there for a minute and then left. It really broke my heart to leave her like that, but that's what I felt was right. If I went to her then she would do it every day. If she still does it every day then I will tell the center and take her somewhere else. She should love her daycare and her teachers. She should be sad to leave at the end of the day. I called the center a little later, after my own sobbing subsided, to ask her what Sadie was crying about and she said "mommy". She said she stopped after I left. I don't like her either. She's not affectionate or maternal and I don't know that I've ever seen her smile.

What the hell... I'm a mess.

Why are we here?

Plastic... Assholes.

This is one of my favorite Carlin performances. Happy Earth Day!

I killed someone last night - well... this morning.

I have only had my car stolen 1 time. Considering how many cars I have owned, that is pretty good! I keep dreaming about my car being stolen. What is interesting to me is that dream me is keeping a tally of how many dream cars have been stolen.

Often I will head out to the parking lot of wherever I was dreaming I was at - like school or a concert, and try to remember when I left my car and finally realize that it was stolen which REALLY upsets me because I JUST had do deal with this with my last car! I usually throw this huge fit, stomp around, scream and cry at the top of my lungs, and call the police. As usual it is very difficult to call the police, because I can never dial correctly in my dreams.

So, this morning another car was stolen. I couldn't even remember which car I was using at this time because my last car was stolen just last week and I simply can't keep track of what car I was driving before it was stolen, but regardless... it was gone. I pitch my fit, realize that this time I know who stole the car because the police are already there and they tell me and of course can't do anything about it so I decided to end this shit once and for all.

My dreams have become quite predictable.

I hunt this guy down in this big house which is built like a maze (as usual in my dreams) and finally corner him in a small room and I think I actually dodged some bullets but anyway I get him on the floor and I'm on top of him and I decide to strangle him to death to stop the madness of car thieving.

This was a very premeditated kind of murder. I was not really angry at this point - just determined. Normally my rage would make me want to slam someones head into the concrete floor until my animal rage was satisfied but this time I was just trying to figure out how to strangle the guy most efficiently. He looked like the DEA guy from Breaking Bad. Anyway, I kept trying different holds on his neck until I finally succeeded, by putting all of my weight on my fists which were on either side of his windpipe.

What I mean by predictable is that it's like there are always interior structures that are built like mazes. I am always finding little treasures here and there. My frickin car keeps getting stolen. War invasions. Tornado's. The number dialing thing. Blindness. Anyway I think it's kind of sad that there's nothing new going on - my dreams have become as predictable and boring as my life.

I still need a vacation BTW.

Funny - or maybe it will be after I get some sleep

Luck is funny. ha. frickin' HA!

I go to start my car last night at midnight so I can rush my 23 month old daughter to the ER, and the damned car wouldn't start. I talked Mark in to staying at his moms last night, so I ended up pushing my car out of the driveway and parking it on the street so that we could access my moms van.

Sadie is fine, she just had a high temperature and everything that goes along with it... the shakes, twitching, lethargy, pain,vomiting. They say she has a middle ear infection. I think it's more than that as she was really congested, but she got antibiotics, so I'm good w that. She was her usual self this morning and is at daycare.

I was hoping I was just too low on gas, but more gas did not fix the problem. The driver said it sounded like the timing belt. Whoopee! It is at a friends house and I hope it can be fixed soon and for not a lot of money.

I am using my moms van, but I hate it and want my lil car back asap. My pelvis has become very painful all of the time due to SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction).

"Any activity that involves lifting one leg at a time or parting the legs tends to be particularly painful. Lifting the leg to put on clothes, getting out of a car, bending over, sitting down or getting up, walking up stairs, standing on one leg, lifting heavy objects, and walking in general tend to be difficult at times. Many women report that moving or turning over in bed is especially excruciating."

I had it with Sadie. It sucks. Only 3 months to go!

I need some ideas

I need to get away for a weekend sans child. I want to go somewhere that will not cost too much, where I don't have to clean up after myself, and I can sleep whenever I want. I would also like to have some fun. Maybe a little casino action, or a water slide or something to make the weekend feel like a full 48 hours, instead of 6. Someplace within say... 2 hours drive. Canada, Ohio, Michigan... whatever. Does such a place exist? Money is what is really holding me back - like, there's Zehnder's in Frankenmuth, but that costs $540 for 2 nights. Re-fucking-diculous.

Oh well. It's not going to happen - I'll get over it.

Did everyone have a drink for me?

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Cha Cha Cha Chia and Dreams

"Happy Obama"


















"Determined Obama"


















How can you expect me to choose between the two?

I had a few weird dreams last night:
I was at a banquet and was looking for dessert, but only saw this one lame kind - maybe cheap cookies or something but grabbed one because baby has a sweet tooth. As people start filtering in to this hall and people I know surround me I see that there is now a plethora of sweets and I am insane with wanting to try all of them. I sat up there, on an elevated table near my father, trying to figure out how my fat ass it going to be cool about gorging on sweets, when it is obvious I don't need sweets. The dream was really just one intense craving with my father thrown in for the WTF factor. He shows up more often than I like in my dreams. Always weird, rarely speaks, and usually judging me.

The other dream I remember because I think I woke up crying. I have never woken up and cried from a dream. I have done my share of sobbing in my dreams, but it never carried over before. Mark was spooning me and I started to feel pain in my lower lower back and tried to tell him but he kept clinging to me and I realized the pain was him sinking his teeth in to my ass and I was starting to cry in pain hoping he would stop but he hung on no matter how hard I buckled and cried. I woke up and still felt the pain a bit and it took a minute to realize it was a dream and choked back some tears. Now, before you go analyzing this and feeling bad for our relationship you should know that before we fell asleep he tried to spoon me and I had to remind him that I can't sleep that way right now. I feel bad, but while pregnant this time I just don't feel comfortable being touched a lot. It was probably like that w Sadie too, but I was single and it never came up. Oh, and the pain was likely my sciatica.

This song always catches my attention when I hear it play on the radio. Mark is so sweet sometimes and it reminds me of him.

I remembered to look it up when I got home and found the above video. I played it in my living room and Sadie joined me at the computer and we rocked and swayed and she started singing oooooohhhhhhh looove yooou in a whisper. She doesn't sing along to songs as far as I know and it was really sweet. When it was over she said again! so I played it again and we sang it again and again and sometimes she rested her head on my chest and for a while we were silly and sang oooooohhhh I love you as our foreheads touched. She really is so cool.

My fat ass

I am having an illogical day. Stupid hormones do that to me sometimes. I just got back from the OB and he said everything looked great. I will get another ultrasound at 32 weeks to determine where my placenta is, since it may be in the way of delivery, but I've already decided I'm having a repeat c-section, so I'm not concerned. My blood pressure seems a little better than usual - 110/60. normally its 120/70. Weird considering there's more stress on my body right now.

So he says "everything looks great, your blood pressure is good, you're weight is good..." meanwhile I have wanted to cry since I was weighed. I know it's stupid. I'm supposed to gain weight. 10 pounds at 21 weeks is on track. This is what I would tell any pregnant friend who gained weight whole pregnant - you're supposed to gain weight stupid - you'd be a bad mom if you went on a frickin diet.

But... I'm already so fat. I was at the highest weight of my life when I got pregnant and there's nothing I can do to stop this right now. I am embarrassed to say it, but this pregnancy is going to put me over 300 pounds. That's what is really getting to me. I can't be that fat. It is so humiliating to be that fat. That number is so bad I can't even make fun of it.

I'm going to start smoking again. This kid is too big anyway.

Hey!!! Guess what!

I have nothing to say.


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The big day

Today was the big ultrasound. The baby is healthy, and looks normal, except she is in the 96th percentile. Yep - I said SHE. Sadie is going to have a little sister to push around. Sadie was also big - 10 pounds 12 ounces, a little early, and no - I didn't have gestational diabetes.

Since this one is also most likely going to be big I will opt for the repeat c-section. It was an emergency with Sadie, and while I have the option of trying for a vbac, I'm not crazy. Sadie was the talk of the birthing center when I had her. She looked like a 3 month old sumo wrestler. I forget how big her head was, but it was bigger than I want my vagina to be.

We didn't get any great pics, but here's the best of them:

Spine and head


Parasitic alien



Bottom of foot

Can't sleep

I can't sleep because something is on my mind. And maybe the T3's I took are keeping me awake instead of putting me to sleep.

First of all I want to say that I don't quite understand why I care about what people think of me, yet I also don't care what people think of me. I kept going over it and over it as I lay in bed. I am confident in my self as a good person, so when people judge me negatively I say fuck them if they can't take a joke. No one is perfect and we are all a little annoying, but I'm good and if you think otherwise fuck you. But still... I want to be liked.

My boyfriends friends think I am a domineering bitch. They don't know me well and as far as I know are only basing this on the fact that he doesn't hang with them on karaoke night any more at the bar. He has class that night ever week and no, I did not help him chose his schedule. He has gone to everything he was invited to except for one party which he wasn't feeling up to.

I have never said you can't see this person, or you can't go to that party. If anything I push him to go have fun. I trust him fully. Stay the night if he wants to drink and go crazy is what I say. We used to leave the karaoke bar around 11pm, because I had to get up early the next day. He could have driven separately, but likes to go to bed with me. Sorry guy pals. On the weekends we always had to leave the partys early because he had to get up early. My friends still talk to him.

I don't want to get in depth about our relationship dynamics for the sake of his privacy. It may be obvious by now that I don't consider a whole lot of my personal life too private to share. I'll just say that we play the same roles that play out in every relationship, and it works for us for the most part.

So, I'm ok and he's ok but I still feel the need to explain myself to these people and make them realize that they have made a mistake and they should like me. It bothers me that it bothers me. And on top of that I don't know that I can like them, now that they judged me so quickly.