I had a few weird dreams last night: I was at a banquet and was looking for dessert, but only saw this one lame kind - maybe cheap cookies or something but grabbed one because baby has a sweet tooth. As people start filtering in to this hall and people I know surround me I see that there is now a plethora of sweets and I am insane with wanting to try all of them. I sat up there, on an elevated table near my father, trying to figure out how my fat ass it going to be cool about gorging on sweets, when it is obvious I don't need sweets. The dream was really just one intense craving with my father thrown in for the WTF factor. He shows up more often than I like in my dreams. Always weird, rarely speaks, and usually judging me.
The other dream I remember because I think I woke up crying. I have never woken up and cried from a dream. I have done my share of sobbing in my dreams, but it never carried over before. Mark was spooning me and I started to feel pain in my lower lower back and tried to tell him but he kept clinging to me and I realized the pain was him sinking his teeth in to my ass and I was starting to cry in pain hoping he would stop but he hung on no matter how hard I buckled and cried. I woke up and still felt the pain a bit and it took a minute to realize it was a dream and choked back some tears. Now, before you go analyzing this and feeling bad for our relationship you should know that before we fell asleep he tried to spoon me and I had to remind him that I can't sleep that way right now. I feel bad, but while pregnant this time I just don't feel comfortable being touched a lot. It was probably like that w Sadie too, but I was single and it never came up. Oh, and the pain was likely my sciatica.
This song always catches my attention when I hear it play on the radio. Mark is so sweet sometimes and it reminds me of him.
I remembered to look it up when I got home and found the above video. I played it in my living room and Sadie joined me at the computer and we rocked and swayed and she started singing oooooohhhhhhh looove yooou in a whisper. She doesn't sing along to songs as far as I know and it was really sweet. When it was over she said again! so I played it again and we sang it again and again and sometimes she rested her head on my chest and for a while we were silly and sang oooooohhhh I love you as our foreheads touched. She really is so cool.
I am having an illogical day. Stupid hormones do that to me sometimes. I just got back from the OB and he said everything looked great. I will get another ultrasound at 32 weeks to determine where my placenta is, since it may be in the way of delivery, but I've already decided I'm having a repeat c-section, so I'm not concerned. My blood pressure seems a little better than usual - 110/60. normally its 120/70. Weird considering there's more stress on my body right now.
So he says "everything looks great, your blood pressure is good, you're weight is good..." meanwhile I have wanted to cry since I was weighed. I know it's stupid. I'm supposed to gain weight. 10 pounds at 21 weeks is on track. This is what I would tell any pregnant friend who gained weight whole pregnant - you're supposed to gain weight stupid - you'd be a bad mom if you went on a frickin diet.
But... I'm already so fat. I was at the highest weight of my life when I got pregnant and there's nothing I can do to stop this right now. I am embarrassed to say it, but this pregnancy is going to put me over 300 pounds. That's what is really getting to me. I can't be that fat. It is so humiliating to be that fat. That number is so bad I can't even make fun of it.
I'm going to start smoking again. This kid is too big anyway.