Friday, October 23, 2009

Do I have the balls to do it?

I went to the doctor today to follow up on the antidepressants prescribed to me 6 weeks ago.  I'm on Wellbutrin btw, and as far as antidepressants go it's pretty swell, because it doesn't have the unfortunate side effects that most antidepressants have.  I have been feeling less depressed since taking them, but not happy, so she bumped my dosage up.  That part of my day was good.  I want to be embarrassed about the fact that I take antidepressants, but whatever.  Fuck you if you judge me.  It makes me feel better.  The bad part of the day came when I checked out and they told me the visit costs $140.  I informed my Dr. that I no longer had insurance and she still billed my visit as a "level 4".  I think either she forgot, or she is not sympathetic to poverty.  She really didn't seem to get it.  I cried at check out.

So, this is what I'm talking about when I ask do I have the balls to do it:

I don't earn enough money to live comfortably.  I don't mean like live like I want to live - with money to spare, I mean like wear clothes that fit me and eat healthy food and have the heat or air conditioner on when I'm uncomfortable. Daycare costs $200 a week for 2 kids.  I have a mortgage.  I don't have insurance.  I haven't had a raise in years even though I work my ass off and even if I threaten to leave they won't give me what I need to be comfortable.

This is what I'm thinking:  Move in to Mark's mom's house.  The one that is next door to their home in Ypsilanti.  They own it and can't sell it because of the market, so it's sitting there.  We could live there, in what appears to be a bigger house, rent free and only pay bills.  And maybe their property taxes/insurance.  The neighborhood is better and I would get out from under my house which is worth 1/3 of what I owe.
I would quit my job out here, 1. because it's too far away, and 2. if my bills are reduced I will come out even when I quit paying for daycare.  I will be a stay at home mother.   also, we will be moving far (20-30 minutes) from our friends.  Also, what will my mom do?  I don't know if there would be room for her, but more importantly I'm pretty positive she doesn't want to move out there.

Mark has a chance to get a full time job at the school that he attends, for not a lot of money, but maybe enough to support us.  He would be the bread winner.  What an odd life that would be for me - someone who has always been so independent.

And you know what else?  While I am good at my job and it is a source of pride, I don't want to work anymore.  I think with the drugs helping my mood I could be a good SAHM.  I like a clean house and to organize.  I really liketo organize, but am do mentally drained from work I don't do it.  I could even see myself working on the house.  Small renovations since it looks like an older home that needs work.  I am very mechanically inclined.  And I'm also good with kids, though I think it's also very hard to take care of children all day every day.  

What am I forgetting?  Where's the flaw in this plan?  Aside from living next to Marks family (no offense).  We may not be any more financially comfortable, but I think I would be happier and I know Mark would be happier.  He could have a job that he likes, and live in a town he loves.

Is this a bad idea?  It must be.


Krissyface said...

Oh, Kimmie, I so feel what you're going through. Incidentally, my little sis just decided to move in with her man's family (she has a 6 yr old son) because she's in a similar situation. There's nothing wrong with making a choice to have a better life for you AND your family!!! How could that be bad?? Honey, why do you think I ended up in Baton Rouge?? My advice would be just have a plan. Like, a timeline. We're gonna live with Mark's mom for ___ months/years so you feel like you're not gonna get stuck and end up resenting everyone. Which can happen easily.

I say, yep, you got the balls, bitch. Use em.

and I take prozac, have for almost 10 years. There is NOTHING to be ashamed about with antidepressants. I always think of myself on drugs as the woman in that hair dye commercial: "It's me, only better!"

Remember that one?


Kimber said...

Oh god NO - this is a house next door to his mother. I would not consider living in the same house with his family. They are nice, but would drive me crazy in a day. This house is next door. That being said we would certainly see more of them than we do now. The down side of that is me being driven crazy and the possibility of them interfering in our lives too much, tho I will set boundaries. It seems like everyone uses antidepressants, but maybe because no one talks about it it seems like it should be a dirty secret.

Alisa Shamberger said...

I would rather be broke as a joke and happy staying home with my son than to go to work to bust my ass to get in the exact same financial situation. After having Jax, I have worked a total of 4 days, in that time, I learned that what it cost me to put him in daycare and how unhappy I was didnt pan out to the extra couple of hundred bucks that I would earn.

I am confident that you would feel more appreciated as a SAHM, and you would learn or perfect things like double coupon day, and which stores have the best deals and when.

Living next to your inlaws will be rough, thats for sure, but as long as you set boundries, it can be very beneficial for all of you...

If your man is happy, and he can support you, do it. If nothing else, have One Way lay you off so you can collect unemployment for a while...they atleast owe you that.

I am confident that you will LOOOOVEEE staying home with your girls, and it sounds like to me, everything all around will be better...

Alisa Shamberger said...

PS...there isnt ANYTHING wrong with anti-depressants...its the new "in" dont mind announcing that Zoloft and Xanax work miracles for me...Welbutrin was great too!!