It's like an apathetic panic attack

Ooh... I feel sick to my stomach, which isn't unusual, but but but Sadie vomited earlier tonight. She has never sicked up before, aside from spitting up as an infant. The last thing I ate was Swedish fish, so I could just need some real food. Oy.

I have an appointment tomorrow. Today. A baby appointment. Maybe if I throw up I will come out even on the scale again. Hmmm... might be worth it. Blech

I was woken up abruptly by a loud noise about an hour ago. My brain immediately dug up 20 things to stress over. Stuff like house repairs - my front steps are eroding. I can't sell the house with eroding stairs. I should not have salted the steps so heavily for the past 5 years. How does one replace concrete steps. How are they attached? Are they expensive? More important regarding repairs, I have a leak, well leaks in my basement, the worst of which is quite bad when it rains and runs in to my breaker box. Yeah.

Yeah.

I have reconnected with some people I met in college on facebook, and it sucks that they are still artists. Why did I even get in to it if my heart wasn't in to it. What is it that I am supposed to do? Doesn't everyone have a purpose in life? Something that makes their lives meaningful? Where's my ah-ha moment?

I settled on a packet of oatmeal. Eating when you feel sick sucks. Nothing sounds edible. And I don't even like the brown sugar flavor. I'm an apples and cinnamon girl.

SO I say it's like an apathetic panic attack because I wake up panicking about shit that I can control in my life but don't, and it's pretty bad and I can't stop it and I think maybe this is a panic attack, but there and no physical symptoms. Maybe it is still a panic attack, but I don't put a lot of heart in to much of the things I do in life, so maybe this is just my style of attack. Naw, it's just anxiety. I already feel a bit better, and have shoved back the worst of my worries for another night. Not really.

Sadie knows her colors already. Am I underestimating her? That's not normal, is it? She will be two in May. She has picked up the language beautifully. I am so proud. She is also fighting me on a lot. I am trying to keep from having a power struggle. She is showing her independence, and I am trying to ride the line between letting her become her own person and spoiling her. I think I'm doing pretty well.

I'm going to zome on the Brady Bunch for a few then try to sleep. I discovered my pelvis hurts the most after I lay down on the couch, so I can't fall asleep to the tv this pregnancy... oh my god. Little House on the Prarie is on.

buh bye.