A letter to my gramma

My fathers mother wrote me a letter:

OK, I wrote it out, but am going to delete it, because I suppose it is personal to her. I have no problem sharing my everything pretty much., but I don't know that she wold like me posting her heartfelt letter.

Basically she would like to attempt to bring my father and I back together.

Here is my response, which I can publish because it is mine. :)

I think the best way to respond to your request is to give you my point of view:
A few years ago my father gave me everything that he had related to me. Baby pictures, school pictures, and many letters from over the years. My guess of his reason of getting rid of these things was to rid himself of possessions? Maybe to live in the present? Either way I thought it was a bit odd, but ok.

I organized the letters by date and read them in order from oldest to newest. As I read those letters I began to see a pattern. In almost every letter I was reaching out to my father. I was trying to have a dad. I was begging for forgiveness sometimes about some little thing he criticized, such as my handwriting. Every letter was me reaching out and apologizing and begging and hoping to create some sort of father-daughter relationship.

I realized, now, as an adult, that I did everything I could to have a relationship with him. What did he do? Nothing. Did he reach out? Ever make himself vulnerable? No. Who was the adult?? ONE time he took me in. For a year. I believe he did it because he thought it was the best thing for me. That was the worst year of my life to date. I told him that a few years ago and told him I forgave him for it. I have forgiven him, but it doesn’t change the past.

So, after reading those letters I decided that I have tried long enough and hard enough. He had made it very clear to me that he has no interest in being my father and I am okay with that. I really am. I think it is sad and I suppose I feel a little sorry that I never had a daddy, but I have terrific uncles that love me and I can count on them. They are my father figures. They are not afraid of what I want from them. I don’t need Gary and I gotta tell you I was glad to realize that. I have no desire to get to know him better. He and I would not be friends in day to day life, so why try to get to know him? I have left it to him to reach out – which is why we have not spoken in years. It’s really becoming more entertaining to me than distressing at this point.

One time he said to me “what do you think I owe you?” I said “nothing” at the time, but you know I think as a parent, (willing or not) you do owe your child. Every parent is responsible for that life and responsible to raise that child to be the best person they can be. Every child deserves to be loved and nourished and made to feel safe. He is not a parent. I think he is lonely man who has reaped what he has sowed. I’m sorry gramma, but I don’t think he deserves my attention.

I had a hard childhood. Violence, and abuse, and neglect were common sometimes. I was poorly treated by my father, though perhaps better than my father was treated by his father. I saw horrible things and was in adrenalin inducing situations often before I lived with him. Now I am an adult and it is my choice to either learn from their mistakes or become a victim. I have chosen to be strong. I have dealt with my issues. I went to therapy. I put my daughter FIRST. I think twice about every decision I make for her. I am raising her to be the best person she can be. I really don’t think I can understand how someone cannot do that as a parent. I lost even more respect for him since I had Sadie. How could he ignore me, his only child?

Honestly, I do not wish him ill. He has his issues and I think he will always be self centered and lonely. There is nothing I can do about that. He has nothing to offer me as a father as it is too late, and he has given me no reason to like him as a person. Does he even care that he has a granddaughter? It boggles my mind, truly, that he can sit there and ignore his only granddaughter. I feel sorry for him. She is amazing.

Gramma, please do not worry about me and Gary. Well, go ahead and worry about him, as he is your son – hehe. I am happy with life, and strong. I love you. I know you are trying to help. Thank you.

Love Kim


I have not sent it yet. I think it is good and Mark said it was good. I don't want to hurt my gramma, but I gotta tell her how it is. Writing this was a bit cathartic too. I'm not surprised, but I am surprised. Anyway, I'll prob read it again in the morning and see if I still want to send it. I kinda want him to read it... should I put that in there?

Update: the letter was sent the next day. I spoke with gramma on the phone. The subject is dropped. She spoke with him and my understanding is that he is not willing to put himself out there to see me or his grandchild. I am not surprised. Drama over.