Gramma

My gramma had a strong hand in raising me. She was often my guardian and always a mom. She took care of me the best her twisted mind could manage and I always felt that wherever she was was home. She could also drive my nuts. She created my buttons and I swear she enjoyed pushing them!

I visited my gramma in the hospital today. She'll be 90 on March 30th. Well, I kinda doubt she will make it to her next birthday. This is not the first time I have thought that, along with the rest of the family, but this is the first time I hope she will not make it.

I love my gramma and hope that her miserable life will end soon. Part of me wants her to stick around - blind, deaf, pained, crippled, incontinent... miserable, just so I don't have to deal with losing her. That selfish part of me no longer has a loud voice.

I don't know what's wrong with her this time. Maybe a stroke, maybe internal bleeding. She had a couple moments of clarity today, but mostly she was saying a few odd words and then trailing off. She was thirsty and in pain and I took care of that. My uncle showed up about an hour after I got there and I left him to watch her for a while.

I will leave work a little early today, grab Sadie, and take her in so Gramma can see her. She was asking for her.

Update: She is still fucking with me. Looks like cancer and this is it. She just had to go and do it when I was PMSing. I'm a mess.